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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27910045">I Wanted to be Okay</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZequoiaRose/pseuds/ZequoiaRose'>ZequoiaRose</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Memories That Were Forgotten [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Drunk Dean Winchester, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Sad Dean Winchester, Sad Sam Winchester, Stanford Era (Supernatural), mentioned - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:48:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>795</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27910045</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZequoiaRose/pseuds/ZequoiaRose</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Two weeks after leaving for Stanford, Sam gets a call from Dean. </p><p>A short fic to show how I think the brother’s would cope at the beginning.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Memories That Were Forgotten [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1732231</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Wanted to be Okay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sam closes his door, sighing in relief as warmth incases him. He has recently taken to nightly runs; it helps relieve some of the study stress and helps with the overabundance of anxiety that San seems to drag around with him. Sam walks up the stairs to his dorm and walks in to find his roommate sprawled on the floor, asleep in his own textbook. Sam just shakes his head and moves around him to find his phone. He picks it up and frowns when he sees a missed call and a voice mail... both from Dean. </p><p>The very sight of his brother’s name has his throat closing with emotion that he has been trying so. Fucking. Hard. To ignore. It has been two weeks. Two weeks since he had left the only home he ever knew- the home that was his brother. Two weeks since he had betrayed the only person who had ever loved him. Two weeks since he had walked away, leaving Dean to watch him go with tears in both sets of eyes. </p><p>Sam is shaking as he raises the phone to his ear. Right off the bat, he can tell that Dean is absolutely smashed and he just knows that this is going to ruin him. </p><p>“Sam, Sammy. Couldn’t even bother to pick up your phone, huh?” Sam hears Dean’s dry laugh and has to shut his eyes hard. “God, Sam. What the hell were you thinking? I can’t do this, Sammy.” There’s a crash, like Dean had tripped over something. “Dad just left. Told me to ‘figure my shit out’ and slammed the door,” he mumbles unintelligibly for a second then continues on, unaware of the havoc he’s wrecking on Sam’s heart. “I miss you. So damn much. Everyday is so fucking hard. And I can’t help but wonder if I did something wrong? And if you were always going to leave? I mean, shit, Sam. I wanted to kill myself for so long and yet you never noticed. Now I know why, I guess. You could only think about leaving.” He hears Dean gasp and can imagine the tears are back in his eyes. Drunk Dean has always brought emotional Dean with it. But this... this is too much. Sam finds himself in a crouch, his free hand on his face as his eyes fill. </p><p>“No,” Dean is saying. “No, I shouldn’t say that. I always knew you were too good for this life. And I hoped that you’d get out of it- I just didn’t think it would be like this. But I am proud of you. You did it, Sammy. You got out. God, I miss you.” There’s another sniff and Sam can picture Dean running his hand over his mouth. He hears only the jagged breathing for a few seconds, then, “What the hell am I doing? This was a mistake. Fucking hell, what was I thinking calling? Dad would kill me. God, I need a drink-“ Click. </p><p>That’s it. </p><p>That’s all he said and yet here Sam is shattered because of it. He really didn’t know what to expect when he left, but he certainly didn’t think it would be this fucking hard. He wants to call Dean back, tell him that he’ll come back, that this was all a mistake... But Sam has dug himself into this grave himself. He can’t go back now. He knows that Dean is probably passed out by now, passing the time in that drunken state that allowed him to finally call. He wouldn’t answer. In fact, he probably won’t remember calling in the morning. </p><p>But Sam will. And he knows he should just delete the message, save him from the pain of listening to it over and over again, but he’s nothing if not a masochist.</p><p>“You okay, man?” His roommate’s voice startles him out of his thoughts. Sam quickly swipes at his eyes before poorly attempting to smile at the concerned man. </p><p>“Yeah, yeah, I am fine. You though? You should probably get into bed before your drool ruins the book.” Sam prays to whatever is out there that the sleep deprived student doesn’t notice how his voice cracks. He is granted that wish when his roommate laughs tiredly and zombie crawls into his bed. Sam breathes out and stands slowly. He stands in the middle of the room for what feels like an hour before shaking himself to do something. He hastily grabs one of his textbooks - he couldn’t even tell which one - and walks out of the dorm, intent on finding somewhere loud where his thoughts wouldn’t seem so loud. Where he wouldn’t only hear Dean’s words echoing in his ear. He did this. And now it’s time to remind himself as to why.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Like always, thank you so much for reading. Comments and kudos always make my day!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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